When Your Husband Doesn’t Wear His Wedding Ring

Do you have a husband who won’t wear his wedding ring? While there are some women who wouldn’t find that bothersome, there are plenty who would.

You see his ring as a symbol of a lifelong commitment to you. Also, you likely see it as a visible way of communicating that he’s “taken.”

If you’re frustrated by this issue, you’re certainly not the only one. Here are some thoughts on that subject.

Find Out Why Your Husband Won’t Wear His Ring

Some spouses would question their husband the first day he stopped wearing his wedding ring. Others secretly notice and quietly stew about it over time. Still, others have asked their husband about it but he didn’t get the clue that it bothers them so much.

First, it’s important for you to find the right time to discuss this issue. During an argument is a bad time to bring it up. Look for a time when you both have your guard down and are having a good time.

That can be while you’re on a date, taking a walk together or when you’re intimate, for instance. Do your best to think the best of him instead of jumping to potentially “devious” reasons he’s not wearing his wedding ring.

Possible Reasons Why He Doesn’t Wear His Wedding Ring

Perhaps, the fear of some women is that their man not wearing his ring is a form of unfaithfulness (Or at least that it could lead to such a thing). While that could be the case, there are many other potential reasons, too.

As a rule, men are not as “ring oriented” as women. This can be observed by the fact that women are much more apt to notice a wedding ring on the finger of a man than a man is to notice one on a woman.

Him not wearing it usually means something other than a lack of commitment. Some men have occupations and hobbies that would make the ring uncomfortable and possibly even dangerous.

Add to this that most men are quite active and fear losing it. Those guys with the metal detectors at your local beach would love to find your husband’s wedding ring he lost while surf fishing or taking a swim!

Fear of losing the ring or discomfort can lend to the habit of your husband not wearing it. But maybe you can compromise on this point a bit.

Discuss times when it would be reasonable for him to wear his ring and when it wouldn’t. If your husband finds his ring uncomfortable, you can get it resized or replaced with a better option.

To sum it up, what you most want is to be loved and cherished. This is way more crucial than a ring that is or isn’t worn by your husband. Communication will help you meet somewhere in the middle.

If it is time for you to schedule your couples counseling appointment, you can do so online using our online scheduling tool, call us at (949) 430-7269, or text us.

Coping with Depression After a Breakup

A break up is a very stressful life event and can lead to depression in some people. Even for those who don’t experience depression as a result, for a span of time, their life is in upheaval.

Everyone handles breakups differently. There’s no prescribed time to recover from the emotional hurt. However, if you feel like it’s been a while since the breakup and every day still feels bad, depression could be a possibility.

If that’s you, there are some things you can do to cope. Here are some to consider.

Dealing with Your Shattered Image: Depression after Breakup

Breakups can bring out our insecurities like nothing else. They can leave you feeling inadequate, unloving and unlovable. This emotional tornado can feel so strong that depression can overwhelm you.

These feelings cut to the core of who you are and cause you to question everything about yourself. Thankfully, although your emotions feel very real, they aren’t always centered in reality.

The truth is that we’re all broken people. We all know what it’s like to have key relationships break down because flaws or circumstances on both sides get in the way.

Anyone you decide to pursue as a significant other in the future will be flawed just like you. Don’t let your mind beat you up and tell you that you’re the only one who has failed or is flawed.

The story of humanity never was easy success. It’s one of perseverance. One of continuing to go on despite our failures to reach the summit.

Instead of focusing on what you’ve found is lacking because of the breakup, focus on something else. Zero in on how you can become a better person despite those setbacks.

And when you find that new significant other, you’ll be all the more ready for a healthy, thriving relationship.

Other Quick Tips for Dealing with Depression after Break Up

Exercise: Fight the urge to crawl into bed and stay there. Get out and raise your heart rate and your body will work better. You’ll also be happier with how you look and feel.

Journal: Write out your pain. Scream out powerful words on a page. Rage about the hurts and injustice of it all. But more than all of that, focus on the positive even if it feels weird at first. There is a lot of good to find—you just can’t easily see it yet.

Be Social: Yes, it’s the last thing you feel like doing after a breakup and with depression to boot. But you need to understand others and to be understood. Don’t worry about finding another significant other initially. Just look for people you enjoy being with and that you can trust.

Get Help: If you feel your depression is getting the best of you and you can’t pull yourself out, seek a trusted professional who can help. Remember that doing so isn’t a sign of weakness but a sign of inner strength.

If it is time for you to schedule your individual appointment, you can do so online using our online scheduling tool, call us at (949) 430-7269, or text us.

When Your Husband Forgets Your Birthday

Did your husband just forget your birthday? If so, you’re understandably irked and a little hurt. You’re the most important person in the life of your husband but you sure aren’t feeling like it at the moment!

As you process feeling hurt and angry, here are some thoughts to help work through the disappointment. There are some things you can do to decrease the odds of something like this happening in the future and to even salvage this year’s birthday.

Remind Your Husband of Your Birthday Ahead of Time

Your husband likely cares very much about you but is busy. He also may be a procrastinator which only makes things more difficult for him. In his mind, he has plenty of time. But, one day, your birthday arrives quicker than expected and he’s quickly in the doghouse.

Although you may want your husband to surprise you, it’s still a good idea to drop hints in the days and months leading up to your birthday. You can share about how excited you are for the approaching day. You can also let him know about things he did in the past for you on your birthday that were special.

By giving your husband plenty of “warning,” you’re less likely to be disappointed. Your husband will feel more prepared, less last-minute pressure and be able to enjoy celebrating you better, too.

Communicate with Your Husband About What a Great Birthday Looks Like

Now that you’ve prepped your husband for the upcoming day, don’t stop there. Drop hints about what you have in mind for a successful, happy birthday. After all, mind reading likely isn’t one of your husband’s gifts.

If you don’t do this, he may be baffled as to why you’re not excited to celebrate your birthday at home eating Cheetos and watching television together. Many guys would be fine with something like that.

Your idea of a great birthday and that of your husbands could be vastly different.

Maybe your thoughts of a fun birthday involve going to your favorite restaurant together. You can give your husband a few restaurants to choose from so it’s still a surprise.

Maybe you’re the adventurous type and want to kayak down a river with your hubby, for instance. Have him pick an outfitter and stretch of river you would enjoy.

You can also drop hints about the type of gift you would like or emphasize how meaningful a handwritten card would be.

All said, be sure to make your husband’s birthday special, too. If you just skip over his special day but want the full treatment on yours, it could feel unfair to him or communicate that it’s ok to not take your day seriously.

If Your Husband Just Forgot Your Birthday

As much as you feel like it, there’s no need to freak out. This thing can still be salvaged!

Why not set a date in the near future to celebrate your birthday? You can say something like this:

“Honey, I know you forgot my birthday this year and that you didn’t mean to. Why don’t we just celebrate it this Saturday and have a fun day together?”

Any good, caring husband should be OK with that kind of proposal. The best thing is that you don’t have to wait until next year to have a fantastic birthday!

If it is time for you to schedule your couples counseling appointment, you can do so online using our online scheduling tool, call us at (949) 430-7269, or text us.

When You Want Kids but Your Partner Doesn’t

To say you’re devastated that your partner doesn’t want to have kids but you do would be putting it mildly.

Regardless of how this impasse came about, it’s like your nose is pushed against a brick wall. You want to simply back up and go around the wall but you can’t.

So, here you are still staring down the seemingly impossible. What do you do?

Don’t Sweep This One Under the Rug

The first thing you don’t want to do is ignore a problem of this magnitude. It’ll be like trying to house a full-grown elephant in your basement.

The problem will always still be there bubbling under the surface. Like molten lava, it’ll wait for the next best time to erupt. Unless dealt with, it’ll always be an active volcano–a perpetual landmine.

Do what you can to promptly address this issue. Discuss it but not when you’re stressed, tired and in the heat of the moment.

Try emailing each other so you can communicate with less emotion and with more precision. You can pull a trusted friend in to be with you when you discuss for accountability or see a licensed professional.

Find Out What “No” Actually Means

Now that you’ve gotten a “no” from your partner regarding kids, you need to find out what kind of no it is. Is it a “not now” no or is it a “never” no?

“Not now” can be a response to a variety of circumstances. It can arise because of what a partner perceives as instabilities in your relationship–the kind of environment he or she doesn’t want to bring a child into.

Other reasons for a “not now” no could be because your partner wants to achieve financial or career goals or get better housing. Your mate also may be going through a rough patch in life that makes them afraid to have children.
Maybe they recently lost a loved one or are experiencing a major job transition.

A “not now” no also could arise from fear of the unknown. Your partner may not have much experience with babies or children. Something you could try is to babysit or be more involved in the lives of the children of your family or friends.

It could be as simple as going somewhere for lunch or to the local playground. That opportunity to be around children more could help to calm some of the reservations in your partner or even make them excited about the prospect of having children.

Some Final Thoughts

If your partner doesn’t want to ever have kids, there may be a heart change in the future but there may not. Thinking you will change their mind in time is a dangerous assumption. The very best way to tackle a “never” no is plenty of safe communication.

Feeling discouraged because you want kids but your partner doesn’t? We are here for you.

If it is time for you to schedule your family counseling appointment, you can do so online using our online scheduling tool, call us at (949) 430-7269, or text us.

How to Handle Running into Your Ex

Running into your ex can be a stressful, unpleasant encounter. Especially depending on the events surrounding your breakup, it can be one of your greatest fears.

While there’s no way to guarantee you won’t run into your ex again, there are some things you can do to make such unexpected encounters less stressful.

Here are a few ideas to help you prepare for the next time your paths cross.

Running into Your Ex: Admit It’s Awkward

just admitting that something is difficult makes it easier. This can be true of many scenarios in life including grief, public speaking, as well as running into your ex.

You can admit to yourself and possibly to your ex that “this is awkward.” He or she will probably agree. An interaction like that will lighten the mood. You might even get a smile or laugh out of the situation by admitting the truth.

Doing so won’t make the potentially unpleasant feelings go away. It will, however, help you to loosen up and relax some. And relaxed, non-defensive people make better decisions.

Resist an Emotionally Charged Interaction

A chance encounter is the worst time to let your emotions get out of control. You both already happened upon each other. You both were caught off guard.

Both of your brains and bodies have signaled high alert. Those defenses came up without you even thinking about it. The adrenaline is going.

Now could be an easy time to rehash old problems in a not-so-pretty way.

Easy? Yes.

Wise? No.

After admitting that the encounter is awkward, do your best to keep the conversation short. Keep things “businesslike” even though that may be the last thing you feel like doing.

Another good idea is to avoid physical contact a much as possible.

There’s a reason you broke up. You and your ex likely hashed the thing out many times in your mind since and in person. Doing so now won’t fix anything.

Work at Forgiving your Ex

When there’s a breakup, both parties are left with some baggage. Both sides feel some level of being wronged.

We tend to hold onto these hurts and stew over them. It’s easy to minimize our own failures and magnify those of our ex.

Although there will be an inevitable stage of anger and loss following a breakup, holding onto these feelings too long isn’t healthy.

In time, for your health and the wellbeing of others, you’ll need to let go of your hurts.

For many, this isn’t a one and done decision but a daily one for a while. Without letting go of the hurts you experienced, you become a self-imposed prisoner.

You’ll eventually need to choose not to relive hurts in your mind. You’ll have to get to the point that you refrain from badmouthing your ex as this only causes unforgiveness to grow again.

Letting go of hurts doesn’t mean denying they happened. It does mean that you choose life and health for yourself and others. Doing so will make those unexpected encounters with your ex more bearable.

Doing so will also set the groundwork for a healthy relationship with your present or future significant other.

Still struggling with a past relationship? We’re here to help whenever you have the need.

If it is time for you to schedule your individual appointment, you can do so online using our online scheduling tool, call us at (949) 430-7269, or text us.

Looking for a Mate Who’s Just Like You?

Searching for a mirror-image mate? As cool as you are and all, that may not be the best strategy.

Could it work? Absolutely.

But it turns out that the whole “opposites attract” thing is more than just a cute saying.

Why is this the case? Here are a few important reasons.

Just Like You: Unattainable Expectations

Are you in danger of setting your expectations too high because you want a mirror-image mate? If so, that could backfire. You may end up another year older and still all alone.

We aren’t talking about high character standards here or similarities in values. Everyone who wants a lasting relationship needs to strive for those in a mate and to be those expected things themselves!

Instead, the danger is that you want your mate to be so much like you that you never find the “clone.” And what if you were one of the rare “lucky ones” who did find their exact match?

Is it possible that the uncanny similarities in your mate would drive you batty instead of creating a utopian relational bliss?

Yep.

That brings us to our next point.

Variety Can Complement Your Strengths and Weaknesses

Finding a mate who’s different from you can create a winning strategy. Imagine a football team full of players whose only gift was kicking field goals or a baseball team full of pitchers who couldn’t hit a baseball to saves their lives.

Teams like that wouldn’t stand a chance because a good team requires balance. In the same way, your relationship needs balance. A varied list of strengths, weaknesses and interests between you and your mate will help to create such a balance.

Maybe you’re the serious type. Perhaps, someone with a bubbly personality or good sense of humor would help you strike a balance.

Or maybe you’re the right-brained, creative type. A left-brained, analytical mate would be a great help with your finances while you could help the two of you think outside the box about life.

Differences aren’t necessarily bad. Embracing them can make for a stronger match that functions much better.

Expanding Your Horizons Can Be Fun

By focusing on shared values instead of trying to get everything the same, you’ll broaden who you are as a person.

You’ll find it exciting to try new foods, consider different options for meaningful work and find unique leisure activities you never would’ve considered otherwise.

Go ahead and look in the mirror. That’s fine.

But when searching for a mate, put that mirror away and observe the amazing variety.

If it is time for you to schedule your individual appointment, you can do so online using our online scheduling tool, call us at (949) 430-7269, or text us.

What Qualities Should You Look for in a Partner?

People look for many different qualities in a mate. So, not surprisingly, there’s a lot of confusion about traits you should look for in a partner.

After all, we’re highly unlikely to get everything we’re looking for in a significant other. There will need to be some compromise on both sides.

However, there are some underlying, foundational qualities you need to look for to ensure a successful relationship. The difficulty lies in the fact that these traits aren’t always the ones that jump out at you.

They’re usually either quietly working under the surface or they aren’t. Here are a few non-negotiable traits to look for in a partner.

Kindness

Although some have the tendency to be attracted to “good guys” or “bad girls”, kindness still is king.

Being with someone who is kind to you but not others may be thrilling for a while. There’s the “bad” appeal.

But what happens when your partner is no longer able to compartmentalize their rudeness and they start treating you like they were treating everyone else all along?

Kindness gets a person further in every area of life. In no place is it harder to practice and more essential than in a committed relationship.

If your partner is consistently a “jerk” to you later on, that will get old fast. However, if there’s an inherent respect and kindness towards you, that will sustain you even in the tough times.

When evaluating whether a date is kind, don’t only look at how he or she treats you. Your date may be able to fool you for a while.

Instead, how does your date treat their parents, restaurant workers or those less fortunate? Find out the answer to that and you’ll have a good clue.

A Positive Outlook on Life

The quality of a positive outlook in a mate can come out in a variety of ways. But one thing’s for sure: Without this trait, life can really become a drag.

If your partner is consistently negative, it will eat at you like cancer. Life will become unbearable and you may take on the trait of negativity yourself.

Living in negativity is like a fish living in a tank that’s never clean. It feels suffocating, unhealthy and toxic. It kills your productivity and snuffs out your hope.

Avoid negativity at all costs. Find someone who can see life in a positive light and the sky will be the limit.

This trait can exhibit itself in a quiet contentment, a good sense of humor or resiliency in tough times.

Closely watch how your partner handles difficult situations–especially the little ones. Life is mainly made up of a myriad of small sufferings that if, born well, enrich the life of the sufferer. If born badly, “the little things kill”, as the song goes.

The Qualities You Have and Want to Become

In conclusion, what are the qualities you possess and want to become? You’ll have to be a bit of a speculator when looking for a mate.

Learn to locate the most-important traits in raw form. We’re all still a work in progress and, hopefully striving to get better.

So, you could say, besides the obvious trait of trustworthiness, the quality of wanting to become a better person is a must.

Arguably, the greatest beauty of a strong relationship is that you become better people together. Oh, there are storms and there are problems, but you chip the rough edges off of each other.

The process isn’t always fun and sometimes it’s painful. But, you become better together and, as a result, make the world a brighter place.

If it is time for you to schedule your individual appointment, you can do so online using our online scheduling tool, call us at (949) 430-7269, or text us.

Dating after Losing a Spouse

Are you considering dating after losing a spouse? If so, you likely didn’t arrive at that conclusion easily. You just experienced what many consider to be the most difficult challenge someone can go through–the death of a spouse.

So, as you consider how to go about that process, you probably have a whole bag of questions, insecurities, happy anticipation and maybe even some guilt.

Here are a few thoughts to help you during this transition.

Is the Time Right to Date After Losing a Spouse?

There’s something extremely important to realize: A time of healing needs to happen before dating again after the death of a spouse. That amount of time is different for everyone.

If you aren’t “healed” yet, you’ll bring this into any new relationship potentially causing significant problems. A hasty decision during an emotional time could also cause you to make a decision you’ll regret.

You’ll never be the same person you were before losing your spouse. That’s ok and something that, in time, you can have peace about. You can become a stronger person because of the struggles you went through.

Men tend to have fewer social connections and often feel the need to remarry sooner, sometimes even within months after a loss. Women tend to take longer and may wait for years to enter the dating scene again. But these are generalizations. You are unique and so your timing will show that.

Some never remarry. Those fine with such a decision shouldn’t feel the need to apologize or feel societal pressure to be someone they’re not.

Crocodile hunter, Steve Irwin’s widowed wife is a recent example of someone who has no plans to remarry. She had her time of love and is OK with being single now.

Letting Go of Guilt

If you’re considering dating after the death of a spouse, you’re almost certainly dealing with emotional conflict.

On one hand, you feel some excitement about getting into the dating scene again. On the other, you feel some guilt. Dating again feels like unfaithfulness to your spouse.

These feelings are understandable after being in a committed relationship that may have spanned decades. They are very real feelings but not based in reality.

The reality is that your spouse, above all else, would want for you to be happy. If part of that happiness involves remarriage, a loving spouse would want what is best for you.

By letting go of this unfair guilt, you’ll feel better prepared to enter the dating scene again.

Your Date is Not an Extension of Your Deceased Spouse

It’s understandable and natural to think of your new date and potential spouse as an extension of your previous spouse. So much of your life was wrapped up in your spouse.

However, doing so would be detrimental to your new relationship. To expect your new date to be like your former spouse is unfair. It would set him or her up for failure.

A great illustration of this is found in the movie, The Patriot, starring Mel Gibson. Mel plays the role of Benjamin Martin who lost his wife and later fights for the US militia in the Revolutionary War.

At the end of the movie, Benjamin falls in love with his deceased wife’s sister, Charlotte. In one of the final scenes, Benjamin’s new love tells him, I’m not my sister.” Benjamin replies, “I know” but the viewer gets the idea he’s still coming to grips with this fact.

Just like it was a struggle for Benjamin Martin, it likely will be for you, too. Of course, it’s ok to bring up your former spouse from time to time. Just remember that you’re now dating a uniquely different person.

In conclusion, dating after losing a spouse is certainly not without its challenges. However, many have found meaningful and lasting love after experiencing profound grief.

If it is time for you to schedule your individual appointment, you can do so online using our online scheduling tool, call us at (949) 430-7269, or text us.

How to Know If This Person is “The One” For You

Finding “the one” is a big priority for most people and understandably so. It involves something way more enduring than an emotional “Hollywood high.”

You’re looking for something that will last a lifetime, not for a mere day or week. But deciding if someone is the right one can be stressful.

Here are a few ways to tell if that special someone is “the one and only”.

You Trust Each Other

Mutual trust is the foundation of the house of your relationship. If you doubt you have trust at the early stages, you can almost guarantee that you won’t have it later on.

There needs to be a settled confidence that you and your partner will consistently act in the best interest of each other.

Without trust, your relationship will be built on a shaky foundation. All it will take is a little adversity and that house will collapse.

Trust is crucial and indispensable. If you don’t have it in your current partner, they are not the one.

You Make Each Other Better

If you’re in a toxic relationship, deep down, you know that you don’t make each other better. You don’t bring out the best in each other.

But if you’re in a good, healthy relationship, the answer is clear. You can easily see how much you’ve progressed as people because of each other.

You better understand life, have learned selfless devotion and have gone through adversity only to come out of it stronger than before.

You mutually respect each other, encourage each other and help each other improve in all aspects of life.

You Have Similar Values, Goals and Beliefs

Do you feel like you and your partner have compatible goals?

Things to consider include career goals, family dreams and religious beliefs.

Do you feel that given what you know, the two of you will be compatible or will there likely be a source of ongoing friction?

This is an important question to ask. If the person you’re getting to know is “the one”, the answer will be “yes”.

Spending Time Together Is Enjoyable

Do you have a blast when you’re together or do you feel like you’re in shackles?

If you’ve found the one, you won’t need to hesitate on this one.

If you’ve found “the one” you’ll have a long list of things you do together that are fun. You’ll have a smile on your face you won’t be able to wipe off.

It really comes down to whether your relationship is working for or against your wellbeing.

Need some additional help sorting out whether your partner is “the one.” Speaking with a trusted professional can give you the confidence to make the right choice!

If it is time for you to schedule your counseling appointment, you can do so online using our online scheduling tool, call us at (949) 430-7269, or text us.

How to Stop Telling Your Partner He/She is Wrong (Even If They Are!)

Did you know that telling your partner they are wrong can be harmful to your relationship?

It doesn’t mean that you ignore destructive tendencies in your partner like physical abuse, compulsive spending or substance abuse, for instance. But it does mean that you learn to overlook some things.

Certainly, there is a time to bring up problems in a relationship. But does your partner need to hear about every time they are wrong?

No, and here’s why.

Self-Discovery is the Most Powerful Change Agent

You love your partner so it’s natural that you want to speak the truth about the lies your partner believes. Failing to do so would be unloving.

But should you highlight every time your partner goofs up? No, because doing so is degrading, unnecessary and demotivating.

No one likes all their faults put on the big screen. In most cases, the most compelling motivator for your partner to make a positive life change will be found by you being a consistently loving and forgiving partner knowing that you need the exact thing.

Think about it this way: Would you want a friend or parent who picks out every fault in you or one who loves you through your imperfections as you grow to be a better person?

All relationships work better when you can overlook what you can. Decide what you can overlook while still maintaining a healthy relationship.

Within the framework of a healthy and supportive relationship, something powerful is unleashed. Because there is accepting love, your partner will be able to have transparency and support to overcome issues through self-discovery—on their terms.

Not because you rehashed your partner’s faults but because your partner noticed them first.

If the idea to change comes from your partner’s internal dialogue rather than your constant input, they’ll be way more apt to change.

They have to at least think it’s their idea!

Encourage Self-Discovery in Your Partner

We all have a natural desire to improve as people although we sometimes face seemingly insurmountable roadblocks to that end.

Make a point to help your partner practice self-discovery instead of stifling it.

One of the best things to do is to talk about your goals, hopes and dreams. Be an active listener for your partner and work to bring out the best in your partner.

Praise your partner as much as you can. This will make it way easier to bring up topics that need to be addressed when those moments arise. You’ll face a lot less resistance and defensiveness, too.

In Summary

Loving action is the greatest motivator to help your partner change. It isn’t found in constantly diagnosing faults as much as it may seem that way.

Need a little more help encouraging your partner to change? Be open about your own faults and the areas you personally want to improve in.

If you still need an extra boost, we would be happy to help you in this process. Healthy relationships and families are what we’re all about!

If it is time for you to schedule your counseling appointment, you can do so online using our online scheduling tool, call us at (949) 430-7269, or text us.