After 30 years of doing couples therapy, I hear the same couples counseling questions over and over. They come out frustrated, confused, sometimes angry. But underneath each question is usually the same thing: “Does my partner really love me?”
The thing is, most couples do love each other deeply. We’re just terrible at recognizing love when it doesn’t look like we expected it to.
Here are five common couples counseling questions I hear weekly – and what’s really going on underneath.
1. “Why Does My Partner Step Up During Crisis Then Go Back to Normal?”
This one breaks my heart because it’s usually asked with such disappointment. Your partner sees you getting upset or pulling away, so they sprint to do exactly what you need. They express feelings more. They help with household tasks. They initiate conversations about the relationship.
It works. You feel loved and seen. Then gradually, they “go back to normal.”
What’s really happening:
Your partner loves you so much they’re trying to be fundamentally different than they are. Think of it like sprinting. I could maybe sprint a block, possibly two on a good day. But I couldn’t sprint for the rest of my life without stopping and resting in who I am – which is not a sprinter.
When your partner steps up during crisis, they’re sprinting. They see you’re unhappy and they desperately want you to not be unhappy. They know what you’re good at and what you really want from them, so they try. Maybe it lasts a day, a week, or a month. Then they go back to being themselves.
This doesn’t mean they don’t love you. It means they’re human.
What to try:
Recognize the enormous effort it takes for them to “step up” in ways that aren’t natural to them. Then ask yourself – are you only allowing yourself to feel loved when they do things the way you would do them?
2. “Why Does My Partner Want Sex When I’m Exhausted?”
Between work, kids, home responsibilities, and the general anxiety of modern life, the last thing on your mind is physical intimacy. Your to-do list is never done (unless you walk around naked, there will always be laundry). So when your partner initiates sex, it can feel like just another task.
But here’s what I’ve learned: some people get in touch with their loving feelings through physical intimacy. Once they have that connection, those feelings of love can permeate their whole being. Other people need to feel loved first before they can participate in physical intimacy.
When you’re exhausted from the day’s demands, this can be hard to grasp.
What’s really happening:
Your partner isn’t just “wanting sex.” They’re trying to get in touch with their deeper love for you. They want to feel more connected to you.
A client once told me: “I don’t have the words to make my wife happy. I always seem to say or do the wrong thing. But when we’re intimate, I can show her how I feel.” His wife saw no difference between him living alone or with her in terms of daily actions. But he said, “Without her, my life would be in black and white. With her, it’s in technicolor.”
What to try:
Instead of personalizing it as another demand, see if you can reframe it as your partner wanting to feel closer to you. Sometimes relaxing into that connection, even when you’re tired, can actually be restorative.
3. “Why Is My Partner Outgoing With Others But Silent With Me?”
This one stings. You watch your partner light up at parties, engage enthusiastically with coworkers, be charming and talkative with friends. Then at home, they’re quiet, withdrawn, seemingly uninterested in conversation.
What’s really happening:
Many of us developed ideas about whether we’re lovable between ages 0-5. If love felt inconsistent or unpredictable, we learned that we had to perform to be worthy of attention. That little kid who learned to be charming and engaging to feel safe and seen? They’re still in there.
With others, your partner might still feel like they need to work for approval. But with you? They already feel loved and accepted. Home is where they can relax and stop performing.
What to try:
Instead of seeing their silence as rejection, try seeing it as trust. They feel safe enough with you to just be themselves, without the entertaining and engaging they learned to do as children.
4. “Why Won’t My Husband Wear His Wedding Ring?”
I actually have a whole post about this because it’s such a common question. The interpretation is usually: “He doesn’t want people to know he’s married” or “He doesn’t care about our commitment.”
What’s really happening:
Usually something much more innocent. Physical work where rings get in the way or could be dangerous. Allergies to the metal. Fingers that swell during the day.
My own husband “mysteriously lost” his ring for a few years before we talked about it. Turns out he’d had a childhood incident where he got his ring caught on a gate that flung closed and ripped his finger pretty significantly. That left him with an unconscious anxiety about wearing rings, even though he wasn’t consciously aware of it until we started talking about it.
What to try:
Have a conversation without accusations. Ask about comfort, work requirements, or any other practical concerns. Look for his commitment in other ways – because if he’s committed to you, you’ll see it in multiple places, not just jewelry.
5. “Why Does My Wife Like the Dog More Than Me?”
Picture this: You come home early, planning to surprise your wife with dinner out. You’re excited, waiting by the door. She walks in, immediately turns to the dog – jumping, tail wagging, pure joy and enthusiasm. Then she looks at you and says, “I’m tired, I’m going to change clothes and take a nap.”
Why does she like the dog more than you?
What’s really happening:
Dogs don’t require anything from their humans except love. Their job is to show pure, unconditional excitement to whoever walks through the door. They don’t have expectations or judgments or worries about saying the wrong thing.
With you? There might be expectations on both sides. You want her to be as excited to see you as the dog is. She might worry about disappointing you or not having enough energy to be what you need in that moment.
What to try:
Notice that the dog gets the same greeting whether your wife has had a great day or a terrible one. Dogs love without expectation or fear of rejection. Humans are more complicated – but that doesn’t mean the love is less real.
What These Couples Counseling Questions Really Mean
All of these questions come down to the same core issue: We have trouble recognizing love when it doesn’t look like how we would give love.
If you feel loved when someone provides financial security, but your partner wants to show love by doing household tasks, you might both feel unloved. If you feel loved through words of affirmation, but your partner shows love through physical touch, you might miss each other completely.
The couples who stay happily together long-term? They learn to receive love in their partner’s language, not just their own.
Key Takeaways
- Most couples counseling questions reveal love translation problems – you love each other, but speak different languages
- Your partner’s “annoying” behavior might be their way of showing love that you’re not recognizing
- People can only sustain being “different” than they are for short periods – it’s sprinting, not marathon running
- Home is where we drop our masks – silence or less engagement might mean they feel safe with you
- Look for patterns of love and commitment across multiple behaviors, not just one area
- Physical intimacy and emotional intimacy work differently for different people
- Childhood experiences shape how we give and receive love as adults
There’s no perfect relationship and no perfect partner for any of us. Research shows that successful couples aren’t the ones who never have problems – they’re the ones who learn to understand each other’s different ways of expressing love.
A client once told me something that stuck with me: “We kept trying to change each other instead of learning each other’s language. Once we started translating instead of correcting, everything shifted.”
So where are you now?
Learning to see love in unfamiliar forms takes practice and patience with yourself and your partner. If you’re stuck in these patterns and want help translating between your different love languages, couples counseling can provide tools for better understanding each other. Sometimes having an unbiased third party help you see these patterns makes all the difference.
About the Author
Casey Truffo, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of OC Relationship Center in Orange County, California. With over 30 years of experience helping couples navigate the complexities of long-term relationships, Casey specializes in helping partners understand each other’s different ways of expressing and receiving love. She believes most relationship problems are translation problems, not love problems.