When You Want Kids but Your Partner Doesn’t

To say you’re devastated that your partner doesn’t want to have kids but you do would be putting it mildly.

Regardless of how this impasse came about, it’s like your nose is pushed against a brick wall. You want to simply back up and go around the wall but you can’t.

So, here you are still staring down the seemingly impossible. What do you do?

Don’t Sweep This One Under the Rug

The first thing you don’t want to do is ignore a problem of this magnitude. It’ll be like trying to house a full-grown elephant in your basement.

The problem will always still be there bubbling under the surface. Like molten lava, it’ll wait for the next best time to erupt. Unless dealt with, it’ll always be an active volcano–a perpetual landmine.

Do what you can to promptly address this issue. Discuss it but not when you’re stressed, tired and in the heat of the moment.

Try emailing each other so you can communicate with less emotion and with more precision. You can pull a trusted friend in to be with you when you discuss for accountability or see a licensed professional.

Find Out What “No” Actually Means

Now that you’ve gotten a “no” from your partner regarding kids, you need to find out what kind of no it is. Is it a “not now” no or is it a “never” no?

“Not now” can be a response to a variety of circumstances. It can arise because of what a partner perceives as instabilities in your relationship–the kind of environment he or she doesn’t want to bring a child into.

Other reasons for a “not now” no could be because your partner wants to achieve financial or career goals or get better housing. Your mate also may be going through a rough patch in life that makes them afraid to have children.
Maybe they recently lost a loved one or are experiencing a major job transition.

A “not now” no also could arise from fear of the unknown. Your partner may not have much experience with babies or children. Something you could try is to babysit or be more involved in the lives of the children of your family or friends.

It could be as simple as going somewhere for lunch or to the local playground. That opportunity to be around children more could help to calm some of the reservations in your partner or even make them excited about the prospect of having children.

Some Final Thoughts

If your partner doesn’t want to ever have kids, there may be a heart change in the future but there may not. Thinking you will change their mind in time is a dangerous assumption. The very best way to tackle a “never” no is plenty of safe communication.

Feeling discouraged because you want kids but your partner doesn’t? We are here for you.

If it is time for you to schedule your family counseling appointment, you can do so online using our online scheduling tool, call us at (949) 430-7269, or text us.

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