Your gut is telling you something’s off, but you can’t quite put your finger on these relationship red flags.
Your partner isn’t doing anything obviously wrong. They’re not cheating or yelling or being cruel. But something feels different. Maybe it’s been gradual. Maybe you’ve been telling yourself it’s just a phase, or you’re both just stressed, or this is what happens after you’ve been together for a while.
Here’s what I’ve learned in 27 years of marriage to Bob (and 30+ years of helping couples): relationships naturally shift and change over time. That’s normal. But some changes are worth paying attention to – not because they mean your relationship is doomed, but because catching them early makes them much easier to address.
Think of it like a small leak in your plumbing. You can ignore it for a while, but it’s a lot cheaper to fix it before it becomes a flood.
Why Relationships Change (And Why That’s Not Always Bad)
People grow. Life gets complicated. Work stress happens. Kids change everything. Health issues arise. Parents age. We all evolve, and so do our relationships.
Bob and I have gone through seasons where we felt more like roommates than partners. Times when we realized we hadn’t had a real conversation in weeks. Periods where we were both just going through the motions.
The good news? Noticing these relationship red flags early gives you options. You can try some simple things to reconnect, or you can get help before the gap gets too wide.
5 Subtle Signs Something May Be Shifting
1. You Don’t Enjoy Each Other’s Company as Much
You used to laugh together easily. Now your conversations feel more like business meetings – who’s picking up the kids, when the car needs service, whether you remembered to pay the electric bill.
You might still get along fine, but that spark of actually enjoying each other? It’s been missing for a while.
When romantic feelings start to fade, it doesn’t automatically mean the relationship is over – but it does mean something needs attention.
Try this first: Suggest something small and fun that your partner might enjoy. Feed the ducks at the local park. Check out the baby pigs at the county fair (seriously, who can resist baby pigs?). Offer to see that movie they’ve been wanting to watch. Start small.
2. They’re Suddenly Protective of Their Phone
This one’s tricky because people’s phone habits change for lots of reasons. But if someone who used to leave their phone lying around starts taking it to the bathroom, or gets jumpy when it buzzes, or angles it away from you when texting – that’s worth noticing.
It might be innocent. It might not. But the change in behavior is what matters.
Try this first: Instead of confronting directly (which often backfires), focus on reconnecting in other ways. Sometimes phone secrecy is about emotional distance, not necessarily cheating.
3. The Things They Used to Find Charming Now Seem to Irritate Them
Your laugh used to make them smile. Now they seem annoyed by it. They used to tease you lovingly about being late. Now they get genuinely frustrated. Those quirks that used to be “adorable” now feel like personal attacks on their patience.
This shift often happens so gradually that neither person notices it at first.
Try this first: Check in with yourself – are you more irritated by their quirks too? Sometimes we mirror each other’s energy without realizing it.
4. Conversations Become Logistics: A Communication Red Flag
You talk every day, but it’s all logistics. Work stuff. Kid stuff. House stuff. Bills. Schedules. You can’t remember the last time you talked about ideas, dreams, opinions, or even just shared something funny that happened.
Try this first: Ask a question that isn’t about logistics. “What was the best part of your day?” “What are you looking forward to this week?” “Remember when we used to talk about [shared interest]?”
5. When You See Their Car in the Garage, You Don’t Feel Happy
I once heard someone on TV say this, and it stuck with me: “When you come home after a hard day and see your partner’s car in the garage, do you feel glad they’re home?”
If the honest answer is no – if you feel neutral, or tired, or even slightly disappointed – that’s telling you something important about where your relationship stands right now.
What to Do When You Notice These Signs
That “garage question” hits different, doesn’t it? Because it gets past all the logical reasons why your relationship is fine (we don’t fight much, we’re good parents, we handle responsibilities well) and asks about the emotional reality.
If you’re not happy to see evidence that your partner is home, something needs attention. Not necessarily counseling-level attention, but some kind of intentional reconnection.
What to Do When You Notice These Relationship Red Flags
Start small. Try the baby pig approach – do something small and enjoyable together. See if that spark is still there under all the life logistics.
Don’t panic. These shifts happen in most long-term relationships. The couples who stay connected are the ones who notice and course-correct, not the ones who never experience distance.
Give it a real try. Put some genuine effort into reconnecting before you decide the relationship isn’t working. Sometimes we just need to remember how to enjoy each other again.
Get help if needed. If your small efforts aren’t working, or if you’re both willing but don’t know how to bridge the gap, that’s when a neutral third party can be invaluable. It’s much easier to reconnect when there’s still fondness than when you’ve drifted so far apart that you’re starting fresh.
Key Takeaways
- Relationship red flags naturally develop over time – noticing shifts doesn’t mean something’s wrong
- Small changes are easier to address than big ones – catch them early
- Try simple reconnection efforts first – baby pigs, duck feeding, their favorite movie
- The “garage test” tells you a lot about your current emotional connection
- Getting help early is like fixing a small leak – much easier than dealing with a flood later
- Most couples go through distant phases – the key is not staying there
There’s no perfect relationship and no perfect partner for any of us. No relationship maintains the same passion every single day – that’s just not how long-term partnerships work.
A client once told me something that stuck with me: “In my 30-year marriage, I’ve remarried my wife five times. In my head, I mean. I’ve recommitted to her at least five times over the years. Things would get boring or rocky, and I’d take a long look at my expectations and my own behavior. I’d create more realistic expectations and choose to focus on what was great about our relationship instead of what was getting on my last nerve. I’d work on being less impatient and kinder. When I did that, my whole perspective of her changed. I’d fall back in love with her. And I’ve repeated this process whenever I felt myself pulling away.”
That’s wisdom right there. Sometimes the shift isn’t about what your partner is doing wrong – it’s about remembering what you chose them for in the first place.
So where are you now?
It’s normal to feel confused when you sense things are changing. Often talking to an unbiased third party can help. Individual therapy can help you figure out what’s worth addressing and how to approach it. If you’re both ready to work on reconnecting, couples counseling gives you tools and a safe space to find your way back to each other.
About the Author
Casey Truffo, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of OC Relationship Center in Orange County, California. With over 25 years of experience helping individuals and couples, Casey specializes in anxiety, adult ADHD, and relationship dynamics. Married to Bob for 27 years, she understands that real relationships are messy, imperfect, and worth fighting for when they’re fundamentally healthy. Casey believes in helping people recognize concerning patterns without setting impossible standards for what relationships “should” look like.
